AP Wire – Atlanta, Georgia. Georgia Tech, the smartest college in the Universe, except the schools taught by vulcans or elves, has hired the only man known to have slowed down the Georgia offense. The collective brain trust at Georgia Tech hired the invincible Ted Roof.
Those of you familiar with the 7 foot, 7 inch tall Roof will recall his stellar defenses at Duke, where he went 6-45 as a head coach. Many credit Roof as the reason Duke’s program has turned around after he was fired in 2007. David Cutcliff, who used none of Roof’s players to make it to a bowl game this year, still comments frequently about the culture change Roof brought, particularly in areas like the cafeteria and restrooms.
Roof’s coaching resume includes a prior stop at Georgia Tech as defensive coordinator. Tech fans fondly recall the close loss in 2001 where Georgia Tech held Georgia to absolutely no passing touchdowns in a 31-17 loss. The shutout is marked by a plaque and banner at Bobby Dodd Stadium. Roof also fondly recalls the game, and implores any naysayers that Verron Haynes, who ran for 215 yards, and over 140 after the first contact, will be unable to repeat such a performance given his departure from Athens. “The game plan is foolproof now,” said Roof. Mark Richt responded “I just hope Merritt Hall, another walk-on fullback, can come close to that performance. If not him, we’re sure we can pull just about anyone out of the stands to run on Tech.”
Roof’s first year as a defensive coordinator at Auburn saw him excel during 2009 when his unit led the nation in total defense amongst the 46 worst defenses. While Roof acknowledges the 75 other defenses which outperformed his Auburn team that year, he also notes that the 2008 Auburn defense only ranked 14th out of 120 teams, indicating substantial improvement in no areas whatsoever, but leaving room for substantial improvement which never happened.
Georgia Tech fans note that when Roof took over Auburn’s defense in 2009, the decline in performance directly correlated with a national championship in two years. Roof has questioned whether he can deliver a similar decline in performance at Tech, given that Tech’s 2012 defense ranked 43rd in the nation. Statisticians at Tech point out that Roof’s ability at Auburn to cause the defense to go from 14th to 60th (a change of 44) in two years is still possible at Tech if he can cause their performance to drop from 43rd to 87th. Pessimistic Tech fans using percentage change note that Roof took Auburn from a 2008 defense in the top 12% of football to one in the 50th percentile in 2010 (change of -38%). Applied to the 2012 team, Roof would have to take the 2012 number (35th percentile) and degrade the defense to the 73rd percentile, which equates to the 91st ranked defense out of 124. Roof has vowed to do his level best, causing many small erections from Tech fans, now giddy at the guarantee of a National Title. These optimistic Tech fans cite Paul Johnson’s stellar recruiting (which in 2011 included an actual 4 star recruit and in 2012 had 2!) as evidence that Roof can tank the defense and bring home the Crystal Football.
Few Georgia fans have been available for comment, as a mysterious illness has struck all that have been asked the question. This reporter has noticed that immediately upon informing these ill UGA fans about the hire, an uncontrollable bout of laughter has gripped them which does not subside for hours. No word on if Athens will be quarantined.